Article II; Series: ‘We are Here‘
(Earlier in the series, you all read — “how a person committing suicide fills up his food for thought? His complete mindfulness resides in the emptiness of his life?” Today, I am sharing with you a real story of a warrior. Life was a bit harsh on him till the time he didn’t accept himself the way he was. He was lost, he was confused, he was bullied but the day he found the ‘he’ in him was the day he came out as the winner.)
And we must also understand that he is.-
“Is the world so or am I the only FOE” – a question, just a mere question but it clearly engraves my journey.
Who am I? THE ANSWER IS — “just a soul”. And here I am to mouth for myself. The budding age span of my life, the tender window of my personality was the cradle that comforted my true identity, just in time to make me realize that “THINGS ARE DIFFERENT”.
The world was my oyster and I wanted to explore it all.. But wait.. oh! why did it always seem different?… The dawn was shallow and the dusk was inkier.
When I was younger I used to cross dress. I never knew why but for me it was enthralling. It never went down well with the WORLD. Not even a single one in this Whole Wide World. They questioned me outright. Mocked me ruthlessly, tore me into pieces and when they couldn’t fix me tight and upright, they asked me to cease.
I was devastated to the core. The antics applied on me by the people were obnoxious and inhuman to the extent that it conditioned my mind to the limit that even if someone celebrated and cheered ‘YAY’, I contexted it as GAY..I could not comprehend the ray of contentment at the end of the tunnel. Searching for an avenue to breathe and feel free seemed like a mirage.
Years passed by and I could not accept myself. I was questioning my existence every moment. And why not. What does this world expects from a 13 year old quintessence. A storm was brewing inside me and the cacophony of its deafening silence was hard to bear.
The phoenix in me wanted to rise leaving behind the remembrance of agony. But how? The soreness of my wounds, the tears of my crucifixion, and the merciless sabotage of my loved ones were concocting a venom so potent/strong that it was inconceivable for me to gather my ashes. “So I decided to end it all” — the suffering, the pain, the tears, the prayers and the conflict.
But as we say the divine power always has the scheme of life chalked out for us. The chaotic clouds of skepticism were unfastened by the solicitous touch of compassion. And here I was… having someone — someone who understood, someone who comprehended, someone who comforted, someone who did not “JUDGE”.
The day I perceived the true value of acknowledgement, it felt as if someone has lifted a ton of weight off my chest. It entrusted my faith in myself. It made me realize that when you start loving yourself the world around will be mesmeric. It will definitely fabricate a life for you that is treasured.
Something in me changed and it definitely changed the essence of my presence, wherein I realized I don’t have to be a mimesis. I wasn’t ready for the accusations and the repercussions up close and personal but a voice in me commanded ME to be ME. TO FEEL WHAT I AM. TO BREATHE WHAT I HAVE and eventually, SALVATION was conferred.
So here I am trying to be someone’s someone so that this vicious cycle should not gulp any other rainbow anymore.
Now I am at a stage in my life, where I AM OUT AND PROUD. I CELEBRATE MYSELF.
(The monologue is based on a true story. Today, this person is working in an MNC and is also an activist)
Thoughts penned by—
Ms. Samiksha Tewari
Astt. Prof.- Communication & Soft Skills
Deptt. Of Humanities & Social Sciences