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I am or I am not

Article IV; Series: ‘We are Here

Shadows of darkness, doubt, fear, anxiety cover me like a blanket. I am a woman who is always expected to be strong. Has anyone thought even I can shatter? — ’NO’ a blunt no was the answer.

To go on or to quit, I had this question when tolerating external and internal turmoil had become routine. Thoughts of ending this pain came fluttering in my mind and it seemed I was all alone, no one to talk to, no shoulder to cry on; it was flick of a moment when I chose to end; end it all.

These were the thoughts of a woman named Smriti who was 7 months pregnant and was not happy because it was an accidental pregnancy.

Smriti was brought up in a very healthy environment with no discrimination, complete independence but now after marriage, she had been living a life controlled by others made her slip into depression (mental illness).

Day by day – minute by minute she would compare her present life with what it was in the past and this web of thoughts surrounded her and pushed her more into taking disastrous steps.

And why not, her negativity in the mind was justified as she was a modern, independent woman and suddenly one day when she conceived everyone near her shifted their focus from her to the child, she became least important. She was worried about the changes that were happening in her and will happen to her post-pregnancy; her friends in the office would nag her for getting pregnant at such a tender age and at this peak point of her career.

That day she took an early off to sit in isolation and decide what should she do; killing the child or kill herself was the dilemma she was going through and thus, she came back home with a pack of sleeping pills in her purse.

In this dilemma, she slept and in her dream, she saw an old lady whom she wasn’t able to recognize first but after striving hard she became numb as it was her mother standing just before her.

The mother said, “I was very beautiful and talk of the town in my days and when I conceived you I was just 21”. “Do you think I TOOK THE RIGHT DECISION AT THAT TIME.”

While Smriti was thinking of answering her suddenly she got out of her slumber; her maid was trying to wake her up so that she could have juice as it was her Juice time. While having juice someone rang the doorbell and to her surprise, it was her husband who had come home just to see if she was fine as she had come early that day.

Husband asked her “Is everything fine with you honey; why did you come early today”. “I was a little concerned so I also came early; Let’s go out tonight as it has been a long time we haven’t had our time.”

Feeling happy about it, Smriti went to get ready but that dream was still fresh in her eyes which she discussed with her husband in the car.

Her husband who was a wise man sighed and kissed her on her forehead.

The husband said- Smriti, you know you are the priceless possession that I have and our kid is an addition to the treasure that we have. For me, our kid will be a reflection of both of us and not an individual entity. Our kid is not an accident rather an expression of our love and with the kid, my love for you would increase.

Smriti wasn’t able to control her tears while listening to the thoughts of her husband.

She was being thankful to the dream which saved her and her child from the sting of her own made negative thoughts; by this time she had understood that every age has its charm, every gender has its own responsibilities to be fulfilled, being modern doesn’t mean to lose the essence of a woman i.e., motherhood.

She opened the window of the car and breathed deeply while singing the song  “ The Silver moon is rising on a quiet gloomy ocean”.

For every Smriti, the following must be taken care of-

  • Don’t be a victim of your own created negative sermons
  • Accept the changes of life confidently and gracefully
  • Take time to think before you act
  • Always discuss your problems with someone
  • Your value system will always help you make the right decision (that dream was the brain’s reaction to the negative thoughts).
  • Always listen to the stressed person and try to comfort him/her.

The Story created by:
Himanshu Saxena
Astt. Prof. – Communication & Soft Skills
Deptt. Of Humanities & Social Sciences

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